I need to change.
I’m moving into a new house soon, and at first I was kind of upset, because I really hate moving and I don’t want to live off the island. But now I’m looking at it as a good thing. This means I get to completely start over in a new house, new room, I can design it how I want, I can finally build a legitimate studio for myself instead of sitting on my bed with all of my shit around me like I have been. But more significantly I can take this opportunity to try and change myself as well. I’m not talking about the way I look, or who I am, I will always be that skinny kid with the tattoos who pretty much has something bad to say about anything that doesn’t pertain to him or his friends. I’m talking more specifically about how I put all of my effort into caring for one person. As hateful as I am to things or people who have no relevance to me, the people and things that do matter to me I tend to put way to much into, without getting appropriate return from it. Not so much the “things” but more the “people”… I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m to fucking nice to girls that I like and it’s going to kill me… Which really isn’t anything like what I just tried to explain, but whatever… When I like someone, I put all of my effort in everything I do to try and please them. To please You… You know who you are. I already had a fucking breakdown and told you everything. Being your friend is fucking torture, it is LITERALLY, FUCKING, torture. I don’t know if i can do it anymore… And why the fuck do I even bother anyways? It’s not like you give the slightest of shits. I’ve told you multiple times how I feel for you, spilled my entire fucking heart to you, TOLD YOU I WOULD TAKE A MOTHERFUCKING BULLET FOR YOU. But nope. I feel like you honestly don’t give a fuck about any of the shit I’ve ever said to you hahaha. You used to be my best friend… I talked to you about everything. I told you everything. I went to you with EVERYTHING. You were always the first person I came to with something that was bothering me… And you were always there… Now I can’t do that. I can’t talk to you anymore, and you don’t take the initiative to talk to me first… So… I have no one. I was there for you, to. When the fuckface that thinks he can rap broke up with you I was there. When you and the crippled fucker broke up I was there. I even helped you guys become friends again. I did everything I could for you in both situations. I was there for you when no one else was, and you know I always have been. For everything. I have put LITERALLY everything I have into you. You gave both of them a chance, took a risk, and that failed. But I don’t even get the time of day from you, when I can absolutely guarantee with 100% certainty that I put in way more effort towards you than either of them combined. And that should be obvious because I AM STILL FUCKING HERE. Even after all of this SHIT. I would be LYING if I said I didn’t love you anymore… God damnit it makes me literally sick to think about you being with anyone else. I fucking hate hearing you say someone else is “hot” or that you wish you were with “so and so” even if you are just kidding. WHY THE FUCK NOT ME?! YOU GAVE THE FUCKING FOOTLESS SOCIAL RETARD AND THE FUCKING DIPSHIT WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE YOU UP A CHANCE, BUT NOT ME. NOPE! NOT THE KID WHO HAS DONE EVERYTHING FOR YOU… I’m literally losing my mind because of you. Even now typing this I’m regretting every bad thing I’ve said about you. I want more than anything to be with you, and at the same time I wish you would get the fuck out of my life. You are the dumb fucking cunt that I would jump off the end of the world for. You are turning my whole life into a contradiction… I wish I could stay mad. I wish I could just get so fucking mad at you that I could just walk out of your life and never come back. Never have to think about you again… But I don’t want to leave… I don’t want to not see you anymore. I don’t want to hurt you. I probably won’t even post this because I don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you how FUCKING MAD YOU MAKE ME. YOU FUCKING TEAR ME APART. And you hold me together… Damn near all the songs I’ve ever made I made for you. You’re the reason I DJ. You’re the reason I want to make it big. I want to become a god damn icon, not for the money, not for the attention, but for you. To impress you. And at the same time so I can say HAHA, LOOK WHAT YOU FUCKING PASSED UP ON. LOOK WHERE THE FUCK I AM NOW. LOOK HOW FAR I’VE FUCKING COME WITHOUT. YOU… But I want you to be there. I want more than anything to share the spotlight with you… Shit if I ever became famous you would be on stage with me at every show. I would show you the world, I would show the world YOU. and all you would have to do is be there with me to see it… You wouldn’t have to do shit. I would give you the world on a fucking silver platter. And all you’d have to do is stand there and look pretty. And you do that so fucking well already. There are probably a million other girls out there who guys will say are better looking than you, but not to me. I am the most selective person when it comes to women, you know that, you’ve talked to me before about shit like this… There are very few girls in this world I find attractive, so you better feel like a motherfucking super model whenever you are around me, because that’s what you are in my mind… I don’t want you to be mad at me after reading this… I’m not typing this to insult you, I’m doing it to vent. To try and force myself to move on. To get it all out in the open so theres nothing left for me to say and i can just be done with it. I don’t know how else to do it… I can’t even look at you anymore without feeling like I got shot in the chest. I have to force myself to try and be happy so I don’t push all my other friends away……
I’m being fucking stupid…
Listen to me I sound like a damn psycho… I have to learn to accept that you just don’t feel the same way. I have to forgive you. I have to let you go… I really can’t even explain why it’s you out of all people that I like so much… If I had to try and put it in words I guess it would just be because you’ve had more of an impact on my life than anyone else has. But that’s not that hard really, I moved around so much that you and your friend group are the people I’ve known the longest, so that’s like what… 4 years? 5 years? Some shit like that. Like I said above, you were there for me. I say “I was there for you when nobody else was” but I’m sure other people were there for you… In actuality, you were the one that was there for me when no one else was… You were the first girl to be genuinely nice to me, and not judge me for how small I was. Never once did you even question why I was so skinny, when all I’d ever heard from girls before was “Zac why are you so tiny” “Zac my arms are bigger than yours, what the heck”. Do you know how degrading that is? Do you know what it’s like to know that you won’t ever be able to physically defend anybody you love if something ever did happen and you were the only one there… I would try, you can bet all the fucking money in the world I would fucking fight for you until I died if ever you came into some sort of danger. But it wouldn’t be enough. I wouldn’t be enough… You made me happy to just be who I was. You wanted to be my friend because of who I was, not because of who I was already friends with… I said most of the songs I made I made for you. This is true. And I do DJ for you, but I also do it for myself now. I started doing it to impress you, because I’d finally found something that I was good at that was worth showing people, but it was through you that I made this discovery. If it wasn’t for you I probably would have never made half of the songs that I have. Granted, they aren’t all that good, but it’s the fact that you inspired me to make them that counts. I have to start somewhere as a musician, and I started with you…
You’ve been such a positive force in my life and I’m only just now realizing it instead of looking at the negative. I started making the music for you, but like you said to me, I need to take it and make it for myself.
In all honesty I began typing this out to tell you that I don’t want to be friends with you anymore because its to hard for me to be around you. But as I’ve gone through it all, I now realize that’s not what I want at all. I said previously that “you used to be my best friend”, but that is wrong. You ARE my best friend. Sometimes I feel like you’re my only friend, and pushing you away would be the dumbest decision I’ve ever made… I’m lucky to even know you. I’m lucky god put me on this stupid spit of land, put me in this school district, put me in your grade, and put me in that chair in journalism next to you… I would go back and delete all of the bad stuff about you that I just said out of this, but then none of this last part would be in context haha… Today is Thanksgiving, it’s 6:21 as I’m finishing typing this, and I started typing it at 7 o’clock in the morning after I dropped you off at your house the night you got drunk and it was just me and you left at the house that the party was at. I never actually went to sleep that night because I couldn’t stop thinking about everything I’d said to you, so I began typing this instead and I’ve been continually adding to it. I started off angry, with all intent of making you hate me so you wouldn’t talk to me. But now I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve put you through all this, I’m sorry for everything I said, and I want to thank you for being my friend. Thank you for changing my life the way you have, through the good and the bad. I hope we remain friends even after highschool, and college, and whatever comes after that. Thank you for not judging me from the beginning to the end. Thank you Jean, for everything.
All I want to do anymore is break shit. I can’t stay happy for more than 5 minutes. I’ll be fine, talking to people, and then I won’t be. And I have no one to turn to. I have no where to go. I’m my own worst enemy. I can’t fucking escape myself. I can’t fucking escape you… I can’t. Fucking. Function.
I got absolutely nothing accomplished this week that I wanted to. I can’t even fucking concentrate on music anymore. What the fuck is my damn problem.
Page 1 of 29
